Rhythm: It’s what I can’t catch.
“Set a schedule. Make a routine.” They all told me when I quit my full time job.
But here in the land of “Fijese” and “hora chapina,” a set schedule is hard to come by.
I’m always flailing. Always floundering. Some weeks I try to “fake it till I make it.” But there’s only so much faking you can do until you just feel empty. Like all of you is fake. And you can’t remember what it even felt like to be real. To be engaged. To want to work and write and engage.
I want to pray and write and work out. Set a life rhythm that does just that—give life. But I’ve lost my resolve. My self-discipline. How much rest is too much?
When is it time to dive back in?
Should I try harder or try less? Trying harder harder harder. Knuckle down, buckle down is what led me to burnout in the first place. Is it really wise to knuckle down into another schedule, a new routine?
I think yes. I think it’s what I need.
I ache for a rhythm. To get back in a groove.
I think of a good salsa dance. The stepping in and stepping back. One, two, three, pausa, five, six, seven, pausa.
Yes, there’s a pause. But it starts again. On the next 8-count. The next 4-count.
I’ve had too much inertia, too much pausing, resting, waiting.
But the music goes on.
In salsa, a step backwards is actually the first step. (for the girl at least).
I’ve had my pausa. Even if I’m stepping backward. I’m ready to take a step.
This post is part of Lisa Jo Baker’s Five Minute Friday prompt, Rhythm. Every Friday, we turn off our inner critics and perfectionists and just write for five minutes straight. Zero editing. Just a stream of conscious free for all. And then we all link up and encourage each other. To learn more about Five Minute Friday and how you can participate click here.